It’s so easy to withdraw into yourself when things go wrong, and I’ve sort of done this lately, including this little space of mine on the internet. These photos have nothing to do with anything I’m about to say, other than I quite like them and I wanted to share them, but haven’t been completely ready to come back to my blog until now.
Some of you may know my Dad passed away suddenly in July, and I went home for a couple weeks to be with my family. Since I’ve been back I’ve been really busy, but I’ve also felt guilty about having fun, continuing going on my planned vacations, writing happy posts for my blog – so I’ve just stayed away. I have been at a loss at how to express myself in any form.
I feel guilty for not keeping in touch with my family and friends enough, I feel guilty for only being able to go back to America once a year, I feel guilty for having to come back to my life in England and leave everyone in America to pick up the pieces of a shitty situation. I find myself getting upset over silly things, and not showing emotion for things that may warrant getting upset about. Grief is a funny thing. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve, and no time frame, or so I keep being told. This does little to help the situation though, and quite honestly I really doubt there would be anything people can say that would help anyway.
Maybe it’s just me but I always saw my parents as invincible. Able to get through any situation, resilient, always there. Now one isn’t, and it’s really really strange. I wish I could be around more for my Mom and brothers while we are all processing everything, but I can’t, and I’m struggling with that. I’m going home for Christmas and instead of being really happy about it, it’s tinged with sadness, that I haven’t been home for Christmas in over 8 years and the one I go home for my Dad won’t be with us.
I honestly can’t thank all the amazing family and friends we have enough for coming together in July and rallying everyone into an amazing celebration of life for my Dad, and for continuing to be a lifeline in our lives. Also, a huge thank you to my internet friends, who many have become in real life friends for reaching out, sending flowers and cards, or just offering kind words, it really means the world.